Not The It Girls: Unsolicited Celebrity Dating Advice

Here is a post I just wrote for Not The It Girls.  Check their website every Friday for new posts by me. Keep reading, or check out the original post.

Unsolicited Celebrity Dating Advice – Jennifer Love Hewitt, Be Cooler

Unsolicited Celebrity Dating Advice is a weekly column where Cait Raft dishes out some real talk to her celebrity BFFs.

Hey J-Love, it’s me, Cait Raft.  We’ve been girlfriends since I Know What You Did Last Summer, and I’ve always loved and supported you, but it’s time to get real.  Like, remember that time when you pre-ordered 3 different engagement rings just in case someone might propose to you and pick out the wrong kind?  That was pretty crazy, but I kept my mouth shut because you’re my girl.  Well, girl, when I found out that you went on Ellen last week  and talked about wanting to bone recently single Maroon 5 front man, Adam Levine, I couldn’t just sit by and watch.

Listen, listen, listen, you’ve GOT to be cooler about this.  Remember that time I decided I liked James and then quickly became obsessed with him?  I sent him all those desperate texts about how I wasn’t doing anything and that he should ask me out for drinks and also all those pictures of my vagina?  Remember how he broke my heart?  You brushed my hair with your hand and watched The Notebook with me for a solid week  If there’s anything I learned from that experience it’s that you HAVE to play it cool, Jen.  You can’t just tell a guy you like him on national television, he’s going to think you’re desperate.

Also, you need to stop being so public about how lonely you are.  You are not a Cathy comic, you are a really sexy woman with a lot to offer.  Stop saying things like “I am very single right now,”–it makes people (me) sad.  I know how lonely you are, I mean, we’ve gone vibrator shopping together like 3 times in the past month, but the entire country doesn’t need to hear it.  If you want a guy to like you, you need to play it cool at first.  Obviously don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, but there’s a reason the “playing hard to get” thing is still a thing.  You’re a little crazy, no offense (we’ve talked about this before), so that’ s not something you should reveal right away.  Let it slowly slip out over the course of a few dates (aka don’t whip out your crazy eyes on daytime television).

But seriously, you are better off without him.  Sure, his abs are like rock-hard bumps of perfection, but Adam Levine is not the right guy for you now.  You are looking for the real deal, someone to settle down with.  I know you want kids soon.  You already have two different  nursery rooms painted and built in your house (one for each gender). Adam Levine JUST got out of a relationship with a model named Anne V. You are drop dead gorgeous but, honey, there’s no way you can compete with a name as hot as Anne V.  That name should be illegal.  Anyway, he’s on the rebound and is in all likelihood a really shallow guy.  As your best friend, I’m just looking out for you and I don’t want to see you get hurt.  Come on, let’s go get a mani-pedi and watch you give handjobs to hot guys on your Lifetime Original Series, The Client List, Sunday nights at 10:00pm.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now and the universe is in balance

I have too many feelings about this and I need to put them in blog form.  

First of all, It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me.  I’m graduating college in a month and mild forms of panic and depression are creeping up on me at all hours of the night and day and mid-afternoon.  I might be moving to LA, I might be staying in New York, it mostly just seems like I’m going to be homeless. I should probably buy a rat so I can keep it as a pet like those young anarchists on St. Marks Place.   I haven’t been sleeping a lot, and my stress induced-face-rash waxes and wanes daily.  I’m exhausted from all of it, but this morning something amazing happened.  It was like the universe reached down, patted me on the head, and told me everything was going to be OK.  

Kanye West dating Kim Kardashian might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  As a scholar of Pop Culture, this is huge.  I’ve always said Kanye West is the best thing to happen to the internet since Kittens (this is, of course, when he tweets) and obviously, Kim Kardashian is American royalty.  She really is the Kate Middleton of America.  I mean, aren’t we a little more fame-hungry, plastic, and huge-assed than Britain in general? 

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are two people we “love to hate” (I only have love for them, I love to love them).  They go together like Forrest and Jenny, Jack and Rose, Dolce and Gabanna, Cocaine and Cristal.  They are perfect for each other in every possible way.  

I know everyone gave up on Kim after her shitty 72 day marriage to a basketball playing neanderthal-face, but a part of me always wanted her to find true love.  Sure, I was mad at her.  I was furious, she toyed with my emotions.  But Kris was never right for her, and I knew it right away.  Something was off, maybe his mid-western values were too intact.  Kim needs someone who doesn’t have to adjust their life to fit hers.  Kanye is already crazy famous and rich and enjoys every minute of it, just like Kim.  Kanye’s scandals far surpass Kim’s shitty little sex tape so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about her past (intentional) mistakes (not a mistake at all) . With Kris, Kim was older, had to be the breadwinner, and was the more famous person—that’s not what she wants.  Kim wants to be treated like a princess and aggressively fucked in the ass (I’m assuming).  Kanye can give her everything she wants.

I love Kanye.  Not only is he a legitimate creative force, but he’s a huge oblivious drunk asshole.  He is one of the most entertaining figures in pop culture.  His tweets are like little golden gems that fall from the heavens.  He’s rich, he’s angry, and he’s designing sneakers.  I’ve been a fan of his ever since he made Taylor Swift cry.  Kim is the perfect mate for him because she has an amazing ass, a great family, and a whole lot of love in her silicone heart.  Kanye needs to settle down and he needs a solid support system in place.  Can’t you imagine Kanye carving the turkey with Bruce Jenner during the Very Kardashian Thanksgiving Special 2013?  Does that image bring a single tear of joy to your heart?  If it doesn’t, then you are not someone I want to know.  

The best part about all of this is that they are both bat-shit crazy.  They are both so insane that I really believe they will balance each other out.  Call me naive, but I think this one has staying power—my happiness depends on it. 

The world is finally in balance.  If Kim and Kanye can find each other, then maybe war will stop, maybe I will get a job after graduation, and maybe everything will be Ok.

In Defense Of Public Masturbation

In Defense of Public Masturbation
By Greg, homeless man on the F train.

People just don’t have an open mind when it comes to public masturbation.  I’m not sure why, it isn’t hurting anyone, in fact, as long as I contain my sperm babies, no one is affected by it in the slightest.  Yes, I masturbate in public.  It has nothing to do with the fact that my home address is The F Train.  Public Masturbation or, masturbation (as I like to call it), is a universal colorblind, classblind, past-time.  

It happens more often than most people would think.  Wherever you are right now, look around.  I promise you at least one person in your range of sight is publicly masturbating--especially if you’re at the Taco Bell in Union Square.  It’s only when someone is caught by the police that they are labeled “psychotic”, “predatory”, or “Pee Wee Herman”.  There’s nothing “crazy” about blissfully rubbing one out in front of complete strangers.  For example, when I see someone eat a delicious cupcake while walking down the street, I am filled with joy.  When I see a baby laugh, I laugh too.  I enjoy finding happiness in the happiness of others, isn’t that what makes life more tolerable?  Smiles are contagious.  Joy is infectious.  Public Masturbation, by that logic, is also joyous, smile inducing, and infectious.  

Most other first world countries celebrate public masturbation.  In Finland there is an entire week long celebration devoted to it.  In France, a boy is not considered a man until he masturbates in the Louvre.  In some parts of Japan, your penis is cut off if you have not publicly masturbated by a certain age.  These nations have public masturbation and free healthcare.  America is clearly doing something wrong.  

My heart goes out to Jason Russell, the young filmmaker who was recently detained in San Diego for engaging in his god-given right to jerk-off in front of a stranger’s house.  I haven’t seen the Kony 2012 video because, as I might have mentioned, I am incredibly homeless, but I’m sure he is a perfectly wonderful and normal human being.  Any man who strips his clothes off, runs into the middle of the street in broad daylight, and screams obscenities while masturbating is alright by me.  If I was disappointed in Jason, it would be for his forced apology, but I know his heart’s in the right place.  God bless you, Jason Russell.  

Jason, if you are reading this, I invite you to masturbate with me on the third car of the F train every night from 3:00am-4:00am.  You will be safe with me, a trained dragon slayer.  That was not a metaphor, I actually do slay dragons quite often.  I keep them in my coat and unleash them onto my enemies if they spray me with black magic.  

Yes, I know the world isn’t ready for people like me and Jason.  I know it will take years before us Public Masturbators are treated with the respect we deserve (which is a large amount of respect).  I hope to one day live in a world where those who choose to take their dicks out and rub them while people watch can be treated equally.   

Why You Should Pretend To Like Everything I Like

Why You Should Pretend To Like Everything I Like
By Caitlin Raftery
This evening as I was lying in my bed, crying about how much I want a boyfriend, I was plagued with the really truly awful notion that the world might not revolve around me.  Obviously it was an unpleasant feeling.  I’m currently doing everything I can to rearrange the path of earth’s rotation but for some reason the scientists aren’t returning my emails. I would call them but ugh I hate calling people ugh, right? Maybe I’ll text them.  Anyway, fine. If the earth doesn’t revolve around me, it’s fine. I’ll learn to live with it.  
So if this is how it’s going to be, this whole, earth revolving around all things equally, (I’m still not exactly sure how science works, I cheated a lot in high school) then I just have one really small favor to ask.  Can you guys, just like, try to agree with me?  Like, can you guys just not disagree with me?  If I am totally in the mood to just hang out at home and drink beer on my couch, can you guys also be in the mood to do that?  Or, if I tell you I hate Jenna from accounting, can you also hate Jenna from accounting?  She’s a bitch.  There’s no reason you should like her.  When I’m trying to gossip and talk smack, please agree with me.  Don’t try to stand up for that person or look at me like I’m some sort of monster.  I already know I’m a monster.  It’s not fun.  You’re not a saint.  Just humor me, people.  
There’s nothing worse than hanging out with someone who awkwardly disagrees with you.  It halts the conversation and no one is happy.  Listen, I’ll try not to be selfish, I’ll try to agree with you too.  For example, if you really like Animal Collective I’m going to just quickly agree with you and move on from the subject.  
It will go something like this:
Me: What are you listening to?
You: Oh, Animal Collective. I’m really into their new album.
Me: Animal Collective, I’ve never really listened to them but I hear they are great!  Anyway, I can’t believe (insert recently deceased celebrity) died!  
(Free advice: talking about a recently deceased celebrity is always a good subject changer.) 
If we’re being honest though, I hate Animal Collective.  Their music is just a series of percussive clanks.  I can’t stand it.  One time I saw them in concert and forced my date to make-out with me the entire time as a distraction from those awful, awful clanky people.  But if you like them, that’s fine.  I’m not going to ruin your day with my negative opinion.  I’m not trying to get into a debate about music.  My ipod is filled with Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber (un-ironic).  I am absolutely in no place to criticize people’s taste in music, I suck at music.  Actually on that note, if you and I are hanging out, let’s avoid the topic of music entirely.  It’s too sensitive.  I was on a road trip last year and I made a really fun mix-tape full of annoying top 40 radio hits and this jackass ejects the CD after two songs and says, “Your music is shit.”  Come on, people.  Different strokes for different folks, or something.  I was just trying to have fun.  Don’t be that jackass.   I’m pretty sure he ejected my CD and put on Animal Collective.  He’s probably the worst person alive.  Fuck that guy.  
Don’t argue with me because it’s fun for you.  Arguing doesn’t make you smart.  It doesn’t make you more “real”.  Agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me isn’t lying.  It’s nice and polite.  It keeps the conversation moving and saves me from feeling self conscious about my sometimes weird taste in people, movies, music, food, and life.  When you and I are hanging out, whether it’s on a sex-date or a friend-date, I don’t want it to feel like some internet message board.  You can’t tell me what I like is wrong, and if you don’t like it, can you just keep that to yourself?  You might have other arrangements with other people, but when it comes to me, can we just pretend that whatever I’m saying is spot on?  Can you also be craving Chinese?  Can you also love Brad Pitt but hate Angelina Jolie?  Please try to have all the same opinions as me.  
If you don’t want to be my friend after reading this, it’s fine.  There are literally hundreds of movies on Netflix so I probably don’t have time for friends anyway. 

Don't think sad things - poem

Don't think about anything sad
Just don't do it
The sad will come crawling up your throat
And you must stick your hand down there
Push it back down
And yell at your mom for something stupid
That is how sad works.

Don't think sad things
Just think about that brick in your mouth
And shoving it into your stomach
Where it turns into liquid bricks
Which are actually really fatty
Think about that
Think about fat

If I was a therapist
I would say
"Write poetry you'll feel better"
But I'm regular
and I say put your arm
all the way down your throat until you have no arm
Keep it there
Everyone does

I Punch My Friends

Cait Raft Presents: The Male Prostitute

Hey lonely girls of the world: it's me! Cait Raft! I'm here to save you from your seriously depressing and isolated existence! Yeah! I've invented a cure-all for lonely girls across America: the Male Prostitute! Now, I know what you're thinking "Ew! I don't want to pay a man to have sex with me! First of all, it's pretty easy to get laid for free because I have boobs, and second of all, EW EW EW!!!" Well stop right there! When you buy one of Cait Raft's male prostitutes you aren't paying for sex! No! Not at all! Here's how it works:

Step 1: Call Cait Raft's Male Prostitute Hotline and order your Male Prostitute

Step 2: Male Prostitute arrives at your home

Step 3: Male Prostitute will hold you and tell you you're pretty* for a maximum of six hours!

Haven't you ever wanted all the perks of a perfect loving, doting boyfriend without the hassle of having to get to know or have sex with a human? Well today's your lucky day, my sad little friend. Order one now and have a night** of love and affection without any pressure to have sex or do anything!

*Many other compliments available!

**Night must be less than 6 hours long

***Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't officially endorse this product I just thought he would be a good spokesperson